How to Recognize and Escape an Abusive Relationship
How to safely leave an abusive relationship.
The cycle of domestic abuse is surreptitious. It’s hidden in the shadows of shame, desperate denial, and deep within the subconscious, you’re shivering in Siberia- isolated you from your family and friends. The world in which you live is not the same as the world is very different from the outside world that you interact with. You probably wonder if it’s always been like this, and then convince yourself that it’s your fault. You’re the problem, and you’re partner is reacting to something that you’ve done. Alternatively, you face reality and accept the that you’ve lived (rather, survived) like this for yourself.
“Why didn’t I leave before it got to this point,” I asked myself.
The answers are not simple because life-changing solutions are rarely easy. In many situations, my abuser successfully distanced me from my family and friends. Thoughts of leaving felt like fantasies, hope disappeared, and I learned to live in a constant state of fear and anxiety.
When you allow yourself to entertain thoughts of disappearing, you no longer see it as an option, change has become the enemy. I’ve found something that resembles comfort in this routine. I know what to expect in my shrinking world. Anything outside of it feels dangerous. I battle the voice in the back of my head that tells me to go, pushing it further away. He can read my mind, after all. But I find some comfort when I plunge into the realm of escapism.
It’s been close to six months since I ran away from a 14 year relationship. Lack of awareness, fear, hopelessness, and apathy kept me in bondage. I was one of the lucky ones, I was able to escape with my children and my life (although he continues to keep me in court, paying legal fees, having private investigators follow me).
Picking up the pieces hasn’t been easy; it’s required admitting myself to the hospital when I tire of trying, and finding new ways to numb myself. Trying to take control of what I can, which doesn’t feel like much when I’m constantly on the defense, looking over my shoulder, changing social media passwords, ensuring doors are locked, and finding alternate routes when the same car lingers behind me a bit too long. Between the fear, flashbacks, fainting, and nightmares, I don’t have time to think about my future, to plan. When panic takes over and days of hypervigilance wear me down mentally and physically, I want to throw in the towel, surrender, admit that I am weak and he is strong. Instead, I sleep.
I’ve learned that leaving is scarier than remaining in a situation that I’ve become accustomed to. Especially when I feel as if there is nowhere to turn. I was in the same place, I lost my connection to the outside world in addition to losing myself. I convinced myself that nothing existed outside of the little world I lived in. Lost in denial and apathy, I felt as if I could not to rely on others; even when I needed them the most. I came very close to taking my own life (a few times), but ultimately (and thankfully) failed. My struggle is far from over, but I’m beginning to feel alive again, even though those feelings may be short-lived. I know that as long as I can make it through the difficult moments (sometimes days, weeks), I’ll develop the confidence and courage that I lost somewhere along the way.
I’ve come to realize that healing is a process, it’s not something that I can force.
I sat with my emotions, allowed myself to acknowledge my fears while my dreams. I feel it, and acknowledge it’s power over me before I was able to see the power inside of me. I tried to fast forward through the ugly parts, the hard parts, the messy stuff. I had to run out negative coping mechanisms before I could accept the “harder” way. I tried to numb myself with chemicals, and they provided some relief. However, once the buz wore offthey are not something I would recommend. They will numb you (if they don’t kill you) for a few hours, but afterwards you will feel extraordinary guilty and (if you’re like me) your depression will worsen. If you’re thinking about a short-lived escape, know that you will further isolate yourself from those who care about you (you’re probably telling yourself that nobody cares, so it doesn’t matter- thats a lie). Ask yourself, what you are trying accomplish. Is it a temporary escape from your mind and body? I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t work. In fact, it only makes things worse, and you’ll have to deal with the fall out, worsening depression, hopelessness, suicidal ideation, or worse.
It’s a twisted game your abuser plays and it’s likely he knows more about your weaknesses than you do. He’s counting on your the same characteristics that initially attracted him to you. Your empathy, forgiveness, kindness, capacity to care for others, and everything he saw in you that he lacked in himself. The same characteristics that he used against you throughout your relationship (“you’re too forgiving”, often deployed to separate you from your friends and family). He wins when you act on the negative thoughts he seeded in you through years of manipulation and lies. Do not listen to the lying voices that tell you that you’re not good enough, you can’t measure up, you’re worthless, etc. Allowing those feelings to control you means you have walked into his trap. Any sane person would want to escape the attacks he continues to launch, afterall, who would want to live in a constant state of hyper vigilance, paranoia, and (if you’re like me) have no outlet, nobody to talk to, no supportive friends (he’s isolated you from everyone). There was one person in my life who offered support, however I felt like a burden (no matter how many times she insited I wasn’t). If you find yourself reading the side effects on presciption bottles and consider swallowing them in attempt to get rid of the paralyzing fear that you know so well. If the warning tag on the blowdryer cord reads like an invitation, you begin to obsess over the box of razors hidden atop your cabinets, and your medicine cabinet turns into an exit door to the afterlife, seek help. I’ve traversed some of those dark spaces, I’ve also stepped out of a running car inside a closed garage, where I counting the minutes, waiting for the lights to go out. I’ve traveled the world of dark places and survived. Something outside of myself decided that it was not my time. Those memories remain with me, they cause me embarrasment and shame. Worse still, my abuser brought them to court. He launched a convincing enough narrative that due to my ‘instability,’ I was incapable of caring for my children. Listening to the voice in my head that told me I wasn’t worthy of love or life, was the worst mistake I’ve made. Your abuser knows your weaknesses and will exploit them. My children are my life, the reason I fight, the reason I decided to go back to college and chase my dreams. My abuser knows this and uses my children as pawns in his demented games. Maybe you can relate. If you don’t have children with your abuser, now is the time to go. If you’ve left and are struggling with dark thoughts, I beg you to hold on to whatever it is that made you walk out the door, to hold on to the future you imagined in that moment. You have the will to live and you have the fight inside you, so redirect that energy to the battle ahead of you. You are not the enemy, you know this, and so does he. Allowing him to crawl into your head is a victory for him, its a boost to his ego, empowering him more and more. I’m sharing my experiences with you to show you that are not alone, no matter what your abuser wants you to believe.
One of the hardest things I’ve had to do has been to sit in my feelings without reaching for a razor or sticking my hand down my throat after binging on air for days. If you’re there, please make that phone call, even when the voice in your head has you convinced that you aren’t worth it, I am here to tell you that voice is a liar. It’s the same voice that tells you that the person on the other end of the phone could care less about your problems. I can tell you, from experience, that there are people who care about you even when you can’t feel it. Reach out. What you are experiencing is not permanent, it will pass, and the sun will rise again.
The time came when I knew I had to pick up the phone. I wasn’t comfortable in my skin. I was afraid of shutting my eyes. I was terrified stepping outside. I could not trust myself any longer. The center could not hold.
I chose to act, to fight the feeling that I could do it on my own. I made myself vulnerable to another human being. I set aside my stubborness and inability to admit I needed help. It took courage to send a text message to someone who I knew I could trust and it turned my life around.
I still experience “blackouts,” flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, anxiety, depression, and the need to curl up inside the closet and cover my ears a few time a week. But things are becoming more maneagable. I am beginning to feel joy in my life, again. The pain and fear are there, and so is he. I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. What has changed is my
I’m concentrating on holistic healing, in combination with medication and traditional therapy. I listen to my body’s cues, I try my best to nourish it and take time to ground myself when I begin to feel my heart beating too fast, or when confusion hits. I hope you can do the same.
Below, I’ve listed some of the signs of an abusive partnership in hopes that my experience can help someone. There are numbers to hotlines, and other resources listed as well. If you ever feel alone, or just need to talk to someone, please reach out to me. Inbox me for my phone number, and feel free to call (or text me if that makes you more comfortable- I know it did for me). I’ll continue to post updates about my journey, along with additional resources. My personal goal is to start a non-profit that educates girls and women on the cycle of abuse, characteristics of abusers, and offers resources to those who are stuck in abusive relationships. If you are in that dark place right now, know that there is light on the other side. Someone once told me that we must take steps, no matter how small, to get to the future.
Characteristics of an abuser:
Blame shifting:
When they are wrong they will not take responsibility, instead, they search for something/someone external to pin it on.
If you are in a relationship, this is going to be you.
There’s no point in trying to convince them that they are wrong.
They are masters at transference- they will transfer everything negative about themselves onto you (bad qualities, insecurities, etc.)
They turn things around so that you are on the defensive
They appear convinced (especially in front of others) that they did not do x, it was your idea, even if you show them a video with them doing (insert x), they will continue to deny it.
They will not relent. Insisting until they have convinced you, no matter how strong you are/sure you were.
You are no longer so sure of yourself
They won’t forget to remind you about that instance, using it as another form of manipulation, as they continue this cycle of blaming you.
You are beginning to question yourself/your sanity
They are perfectly aware of this and will exploit it
If you think about leaving, understand that they may have already predicted this, and they will do whatever they can to stop you
They will patronize you, blame you for everything wrong (even things that do not involve you, you’re still to blame).
They tell their family and possibly yours that they are concerned for your mental health
When you are ill, they may put you down, treat you worse. Tell you to “get over it,” and that “you act like a child “(or some other insult). They will leave you to take the children, household, etc. while they are either watching television or at the bar buying everyone drinks. The only time they will show affection when you are ill is if someone (family member, friend) comes over. They transition into a warm caretaker, eliciting compliments from the visitor.
Hopefully, you’re the epitome of health, and won’t need any emergency surgeries (i.e.. Appendix or gallbladder, internal bleeding, etc.). They will complain about your low pain tolerance (as you vomit for hours and your heartbeat is shallow, the skin is ghostly white, and your abdomen is swollen- as if you were several months pregnant). Once you’re checked into the hospital, he has already contacted the entire family, and they are all so incredibly grateful that he’s such a wonderful man. He will ask the doctor questions, flirt with the nurses, all while you’re alone in your hospital room. He disappears and you find at 5 am the following morning they are taking you in for emergency surgery. After calling him, he doesn’t rush up to the hospital, only acts inconvenienced, “why couldn’t you have told me this last night?” But he will show up, 2 minutes before the surgery, he has to appear to be a caring man.
Anytime you feel remotely ill, he is sure to feel worse than you-like a demented competition, he may even do this with your children.
Besides blaming you, they will constantly act the part of the victim. Be very careful, they will abuse you whenever they can, but if you try to fight back/protect yourself, they will tell everyone that they are the victims (and deny any trauma, physical injury, etc. had anything to do with them…she’s been drinking a lot- explains the bruises)
His family probably hates you. He will go back and forth with this, ultimately they will side with him
He will monitor all communication, and tighten your leash over time.
What independence? You don’t have a bank account in your name anymore.
He will threaten to kill you, repeatedly, and tell you exactly how much pleasure he will get from watching you die
He will also tell you that he has no remorse, he could kill anyone and thinks about it frequently
He will cut you off from every single relationship you have (family and friends, neighbors, etc.)
He will spend thousands of dollars on you, and accuse you of infidelity if you don’t post pictures to social media praising him.
He will also spoil your children (not with quality time, only material things), however, you are not allowed to do this
You cannot have a life, a career, any personal goals that don’t involve him
If you decide to get away, plan, plan, and plan some more.
If there happens to be someone you trust (100%), leave a bag at their house, and start saving money any chance you get.
I found that grocery shopping was a wonderful way to *slowly* accumulate a bit of money (before he insisted on joining, or demanded my receipts)
If you have a gas card, buy prepaid cards and stash them, or get cashback (ten dollar twice a week at gas stations, $20 to $60 at grocery stores, prepaid cards: this may not seem like a lot, but its something)
DO NOT TELL ANYBODY!!! Not even your children.
When you’re ready to go, make sure you have all of the documents you need (birth certificates, social security cards, immunization records for the kids)
He will probably have a feeling that you are leaving. You must pack whatever you can as quickly as possible.
Buy a prepaid phone before leaving, if possible, and store it with your escape bag.
If you must hang onto your phone, ensure that your location cannot be tracked. Do the same with your laptop, tablets, apple watch, children’s electronics.
If you live in a town with ample resources, plan on going to the family violence prevention center, or the like. They will help you find a temporary place to stay, you will be safe there.
Insist on a protective order.
This is critical, but very risky. If you can take photos and message them to a trusted person for safekeeping, do so. Ensure that he is not checking your text messages via your carrier’s website or iCloud.
Immediately change passwords to every account.
If you have access to the bank account, open an account in your name before leaving, and use Venmo or Zelle to send yourself money. Before he can reverse it, pull all of the cash out of your account and open a new one.
DO NOT ANSWER HIS CALLS- you will want to.
He will lie and manipulate you; set you up, find out where you are, and stalk you.
YOU MUST CUT HIM OFF ENTIRELY
Be prepared for CPS investigations (remember that he is very charming, but do not let that discourage you)
In the words of the detective, I talked to, “it will get worse before it gets better.”
Believe that.
Whatever you do, continue to cooperate with the investigation. He will promise you the moon if you will simply drop it.
DON’T. You cannot afford to do so.
Do NOT let him see the children until you have temporary orders hopefully he will have supervised visits).
Be aware at all times, journal, take photos and record every conversation.
Take care of yourself!!! This is the most difficult thing to do when dealing with this situation, but you need to focus on self-care. Mind, body, and spirit. If you don’t, your emotions will hold you hostage, and he will get to you.
I made several mistakes before and after leaving,
which ended up costing me not only my sanity (temporarily) but also months without my children. It’s not over yet, and I never know what to expect. Some days are harder than others. There are online support groups and resources that are there if you look for them. Hopefully, you have at least one person you can trust. I started my journey in mid-March, and have yet to find a solid support group. Reach out when you feel yourself slipping. Admittedly, I struggle with this, it is the hardest thing for me to do. Years of criticism and abuse made me feel like a burden, which is a very difficult way to live. Some people may walk away, it’s a lot to handle. It will sting (especially if they played a role in helping you get away, supporting you emotionally, etc.). Don’t blame yourself, other people need time to decompress, too. Try to remain grateful for the small things in life. Get to know the new you. If you’re like me, I had no clue who I was. My children were the only thing that I used to define my life, my purpose. I will always be a mother, but I’ve found several new hobbies and interests, all of which are helping me rebuild my internal foundation. Prepare yourself for an uphill battle, but know that you’ve already made that hardest choice. If you’re ever in that dark place, reach out.
“…one can’t build little white picket fences to keep nightmares out.”
— Anne Sexton
all 1–800–273–8255 (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline)
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1–800–799-SAFE (7233)
National Dating Abuse Helpline
1–866–331–9474
